dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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