Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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