Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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