I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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