My room smells like vodka and shame
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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