bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
