I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
