"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
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