Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
