I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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