Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
