Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
