I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
