something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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