Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
