Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
