I'm laying in your front yard are you home
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
