Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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