If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
