I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
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