You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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