Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
