You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
