I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
