I am in a vortex of obligation.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
