last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just tell him i said nine months
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
