Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
no you cant smoke seaweed
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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