The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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