Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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