I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
