: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
