there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
