party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
