my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Randomize
