Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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