make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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