Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You need Xanax blowdarts
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
