I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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