go do what you do best...puke behind churches
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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