girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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