Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
