Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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