I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
