This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
