Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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