Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
