I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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