I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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