"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
