Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
