So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
