Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
