What did we do last night that was yellow?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
