just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize