I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
