Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
