I can text with my tongue
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
